Mid-Life Crisis came early this year.......

I have been at my current job for almost 9 whole months. My work has become my life. Not because I chose it to be that way - heavens no - but because everyday I have to come to the warehouse at Spanish Fork. I no longer have school, rugby or other clubs to fill my time and give me new experiences. Its been so much harder than I ever would have thought. But guess what, I cant go back in time. All i have is here and now. I'm not happy with here and now so its time to make some changes. I'm currently in the process of finding some new friends. I'm going to all my church activities and looking for clubs and groups to join. I have plans on Friday night with a group I joined called Critical Mass. It's a monthly bike ride/party. I want to get into road biking and I'm hoping so dearly that I can find some new people to ride with.

I have a confession to make. No one reads my blog, so this confession is more for me than anyone else. My whole goal behind this mid-life crisis is to learn to be happy for myself. I know I need other people. I dont like to be alone - i like to share my days with people I love. There's nothing wrong with that. But I've come to a realization that scares the hell out of me. I dont know how to be happy by myself. I am almost completely at the mercy of others. There is something wrong with that. It gives others too much power and leaves me with none. And for my friends it gives them too much responsibility. That's not fair to them. Well no more! I'm starting counseling next week, and I'm gonna make a stop to this. How can I be a good friend and help some one if I can't even help myself? I haven't been a good friend. I was going about it all the wrong way. I dont necessarily know the right way - which I hope can be learned better from counseling and by continuing to try to be better. I dont want to lose anymore. But i need help and understanding. It freakin' sucks to feel like this - to be like this. At least I'm stable. Good grief I can't imagine what this type of realization would have done to me a few years ago. That's progress at least right? And I'm not a lost cause - I'm a good person. I try hard, I've just been missing some life skills that most people have by now. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.