Mid-Life Crisis came early this year.......

I have been at my current job for almost 9 whole months. My work has become my life. Not because I chose it to be that way - heavens no - but because everyday I have to come to the warehouse at Spanish Fork. I no longer have school, rugby or other clubs to fill my time and give me new experiences. Its been so much harder than I ever would have thought. But guess what, I cant go back in time. All i have is here and now. I'm not happy with here and now so its time to make some changes. I'm currently in the process of finding some new friends. I'm going to all my church activities and looking for clubs and groups to join. I have plans on Friday night with a group I joined called Critical Mass. It's a monthly bike ride/party. I want to get into road biking and I'm hoping so dearly that I can find some new people to ride with.

I have a confession to make. No one reads my blog, so this confession is more for me than anyone else. My whole goal behind this mid-life crisis is to learn to be happy for myself. I know I need other people. I dont like to be alone - i like to share my days with people I love. There's nothing wrong with that. But I've come to a realization that scares the hell out of me. I dont know how to be happy by myself. I am almost completely at the mercy of others. There is something wrong with that. It gives others too much power and leaves me with none. And for my friends it gives them too much responsibility. That's not fair to them. Well no more! I'm starting counseling next week, and I'm gonna make a stop to this. How can I be a good friend and help some one if I can't even help myself? I haven't been a good friend. I was going about it all the wrong way. I dont necessarily know the right way - which I hope can be learned better from counseling and by continuing to try to be better. I dont want to lose anymore. But i need help and understanding. It freakin' sucks to feel like this - to be like this. At least I'm stable. Good grief I can't imagine what this type of realization would have done to me a few years ago. That's progress at least right? And I'm not a lost cause - I'm a good person. I try hard, I've just been missing some life skills that most people have by now. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Why I blog

I've been meaning to write about a lot of things. A lot of very awesome blogging ideas have come and gone through my head because I just plum forgot to correspond the words to these black keys i'm touching now. This blog thing is still new to me and I haven't quite decided how I feel about it. I like the introspective aspect - the inner thoughts that get put down visually for anyone to see. What holds me back and makes me question is the raging popularity of blogging. I've always had this strong gravitational pull away from mainstream culture - things that would label me. For instance, hiking the beloved Y was like a diseased leper I shunned for 5 years. The sole purpose because its "every BYU student's experience." I did eventually hike the Y, but only because it was a stop on a trail that I was taking with a friend back behind the mountain. To this day I have never hiked that trail just to see the Y. I also have never seen Titanic. When it was all the rage I would close my eyes even when just walking through a room where it was playing. That room was always full of hormonal teenagers watching what they claimed to be the best movie ever made. It may have been worthy of all the awards, it may have been the best female character since Scarlett Ohara (doubtful) - but I couldn't make myself watch it. I didn't want to be in that group: Lovers of teenage drama. Blogging has this beehive-haired, ikea shopping, trendy stay-at-home-mom feel to me. I know it doesn't need to feel like that - i religiously read a few blogs of some friends that amaze me. One is by a friend from high school that lives in NY now and might be the farthest thing from the label i just described. There are plenty of people who blog - i can be whoever i want. And maybe i should work on not giving into stereotypes eh? I dont want to be put in them, and I'm sure no one else does. Wait, let me contradict myself....if i could be put in the chaco-wearing, eco-friendly, book loving, science nerd, church-going, adventure-seeking, avid hiker, road biking, kind hearted and accepting Oregonian category....i would be happy with that :)